No surprise, society is filled with tons of different sexual mores and values. People may believe that only heterosexual relationships are healthy, or that sexual activity should be within the confines of marriage. I even have some friends who think that it is 'wrong' to save sex for marriage and that to pressure people into this, or exalt those that do manage to do this, harms people, and puts them at risk. So how is one supposed to navigate this highly politicized and polarized topic? Is it possible to formulate an objective definition of healthy sexuality?
I want to argue that first, we need to stop confusing healthy and normal. If something is "normal", "mundane", or "boring", that doesn't make it healthy, and furthermore, do average people even know what normal is? Second, I want to take a look at a community that has at it's core some values that I have chosen to adopt: Mutual Pleasure, Informed Consent, Harm Reduction, and embedded in that are the principals of Communication, Education, and Respect for Yourself.
Does Normal=Healthy?
So let's start off with the confusion of healthy and normal. Indeed, I would argue that one of the most commonly asked questions about sexuality is: Am I normal? But normal is an odd word, because it just means average. Unfortunately it's normal for women in North America to be raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Although this is "normal" this is in no way healthy. Many women still have difficulty achieving orgasm strictly from penetration - does that mean that a woman who is multi-orgasmic through only penetration is somehow unhealthy? The point is, being unique doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it certainly doesn't mean you're unhealthy.
I also want to argue that what is actually common, and the perception of what is common, are not always the same depending on where you are getting your information. For example, if you are a 16 year old virgin and watch Oprah only to find out that teens are having sex parties in which girls are wearing bracelets advertising what sexual services they offer, you may feel like you are the only virgin around anymore. It doesn't matter that most North American surveys indicate that the average age of first intercourse is around 17 years old for both males and females. I can't even begin to explain some of the inaccurate things you might think are normal if you are getting your info from porn.
Healthy Sexuality is something you DO
Back to our original question: how do you define a healthy sexuality? I mean, there is such a thing as an unhealthy sexuality, right? The dark menace of pedophiles and sexual sadists lurk deep in our psyches and are brought to mind readily. Obviously someone who hurts children or rapes others must be unhealthy.
So here's what I think: As far as sexual thoughts go, it's difficult to address them or categorize them since they are so personal and intangible. I also think we can't really help who/what we are attracted to (this is a complex issue that I will have to deal with in another post, but let's leave it at this for now). And although therapy might be able to get at the root of certain issues related to anger, or feelings of abandonment, it's hard to separate out what things we can help, and what we can't.
However, we can control our actions and we're always responsible for them. So when it comes to healthy sexuality: I believe it's a practice, not a particular set of attractions or feelings.
To figure out what I think is healthy, we'll turn to a group of people that has explored the boundaries between pleasure, the taboo, and the potentially harmful: the BDSM community!
Core Values
This community has three main values at their core*:
1. Mutual pleasure of everyone involved, with each participant self-defining what pleasure is. You get to decide what turns you on, what gives you pleasure, and what you want to have happen. On top of this, you need to ensure that your partner knows about what turns you on, and what you want to happen. You also need to listen to what your partner finds pleasurable.
2. Informed Consent. Each participant has to fully consent to everything happening, and has the right to withdraw consent at any time. Part of consent is ensuring people are fully informed of the risks, the types of activities that are about to go on, and people are in the right state to consent (first timers are not encouraged to do so intoxicated, and kids are automatically not considered able to consent). Again, consent is necessary to ensure that there is mutual pleasure.
3. Harm Reduction. Every effort is taken to reduce the risk of dangerous physical harm for all parties. Although you can reduce the risk to a level you are comfortable with, this doesn't mean that it's completely gone, and back-up plans are formulated in case something goes wrong.
Hidden in these three principals are three other necessary components: communication, education, and respect. You need to communicate beforehand in order for both of you to consent, and agree upon what is pleasurable for both of you. You also need to be educated as to what the risks of any particular activity are, and how to reduce those risks. Thirdly, you need to have respect for yourself and respect for your partner. This respect will ensure that consent is respected, and that you don't put yourself or your partner at unnecessary risk.
As apart of this self-respect, I would like to add in the notion of self-love as well. The best sexual experiences are ones where you love yourself enough to be honest about what you find pleasurable, and love yourself enough to demand safety. When you love yourself and are happy with who you are, then there is less of a risk of feeling bad or guilty after a sexual encounter.
Now, read those values again, and instead of picturing people in leather and tied up, picture two people about to have sex for the first time. Can you imagine if our society took the same approach to sexuality that the BDSM community took? Imagine if we were obsessed with mutual pleasure, communication, consent, and harm reduction. What would our sexual society look like?
I have to hand it to the BDSM community. If you want a bunch of people who are obsessed with informed consent, mutual pleasure, and risk reduction, go talk to the people with the whips, chains, and ball gags. I love it!
Healthy People are Functional People
There is one final thing I would like to add, and it comes from my love of Abnormal Psychology. The bible of abnormal psych is currently the DSM IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4). The manual makes the distinction that in order for someone to be classified as having a disorder, say generalized anxiety disorder or depression, then his/her functioning in every day life has to be diminished. To some extent, it's the same with sexuality. If you can't get through a day at work without masturbating, and it's threatening your job, then that's not healthy.
It's not just your functioning, but also the functioning of people around you that counts. If you are a constant threat to the people around you, and consistently hurt the ones you love, then that's not healthy. If you cheat on every partner you have, chances are you're not going to win "Healthiest Sexuality of the Year" award anytime soon.
I realize that I am very liberal when it comes to my definitions of healthy, but they come from my love of science. In science, you observe the world around you. You observe series of events and consequences. In sexuality, I do the same. When I see negative outcomes, such as people getting sick or seriously hurt, I question whether that is good/healthy. When I see people happy, not just because they have experienced pleasure, but also happy with who they are as sexual beings, I think that's good/healthy. After all, I just want everyone to be pleased and happy, right?
Yeah, I'm an idealist, and I know that won't happen, but you have to have a direction to move toward, right?
In love and lust,
Lilith
*Yeah, I know, I wrote it all as a two-person scenario, but it was just easier grammatically. Nothing but love to those that prefer a 3+ person scenario!
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