My Decision Regarding Breast Reduction

Let me preface all of this discussion with a link to the documentary called "The Perfect Vagina" and is about the practice of women getting labiaplasty, where essentially doctors cut off, (well, they call it "trimming") a woman's inner labia (yes, those deliciously sensitive inner lips) as to be more visually appealing. Women as young as 15 are asking for this surgery. The vast majority of cases are not for medical reasons, and the lips are considered to be within normal range for women.

This documentary really challenged me, not because I feel insecure about my lady bits, but because I want to get a breast reduction. I'm a 38F, and my breasts are not firm at all. They never have been. They haven't been round or firm since I started getting them. Some days I look in the mirror and see grannie titties. When I go to the gym, there is no sports bra that I have found that will contain them. This is sad because I really like my breasts, like having big breasts, and like boobs in general, but I wish that they were firmer, stayed in place, and were round. It would help me fit in bras and shirts, have less back problems, and be able to exercise. But now, after watching this video, I wonder which is the bigger problem: being restricted in running, or thinking that having a surgeon cut away at my breasts (and all the scarring, lack of sensation, and difficulty breast feeding this can lead to) is the only solution? Maybe the problem is in my head rather than in my bra.

After watching this movie, and seeing those girls want to do what I saw as mutilation to their bodies so that they could look a certain way, I wondered how much of my desire to have a breast reduction was practical, and how much was wanting to have my breasts be like everyone else's. I started to think about it, and there were other practical solutions for me. Instead of running, I could swim or do pilates/yoga. I know that wearing tighter shirts when exercising helps me out. I could try out different brands of bras; how do I know that there isn't a sports bra out there for me? Yes, it's harder to find clothes, but is surgery the answer for that? Yes, I have to go to a chiropractor regularly, but building up my back muscles, encouraging good posture, and wearing bras that fit will help me with my back, and surgery doesn't mean that my back problems will go away.

Why are these other practical solutions not the first things that come to mind? Why am I so eager to have major surgery that has so many complications, especially when I am so young and don't even have kids yet? I think my desire to look like everyone else and have "normal" breasts is driving me. And as the documentary pointed out - how do I know what normal is? If I am making judgements based on photoshopped, air brushed models and actresses, of course I am going to feel inadequate. If I am looking at small breasted girls, or girls with small frames, of course I am going to feel like I'm not normal! If I am watching porn with girls that have breast implants, then yes, I am going to feel like my breasts are unnatural.

About a year ago, I went to a cosmetic surgeon for a consult, and having him examine my breasts was like a smack to the face. You wouldn't believe how he treated me, and my body. He listed everything that was wrong with my breasts and all the things he couldn't fix. He said that he could fix that one breast was "longer" than the other, but couldn't fix that one was higher than the other. He also couldn't fix the flab under my arms that comes from wearing bras and being a girl of a certain weight. He could fix the size of my nipples, but that I would lose some sensation. He couldn't fix that one breast was wider than the other. He couldn't fix that they were situated low on my chest, but could "tighten them up" so that it would be less noticeable.

Thank god I am the rebellious type. When I heard "fix" the first thing that went through my head is "there is nothing to fix!" which is ironic because I was the one that was going to him to have a breast reduction. I didn't go back. He challenged me (unknowingly) to love myself, and love my breasts, and all their "imperfections". My breasts do not need to be fixed. Yes, I have to work with what I have. I need to buy different shirts, and do different exercises. I will probably get very saggy boobs later in my life, especially if I breast feed. My breasts will never be firm (well, they might get firm when I breast feed, if I ever do), but dammit, I am not cutting them up. Not at this time of my life. My partner loves my breasts, my friends love my breasts, and let's face it, they are an aspect of my sexuality.

When I came out of the closet, I told myself that I needed to be true to me and to my own desires, and rejected the idea that I was going to pretend that I was someone that I wasn't. I didn't care if my sexual orientation was not something that other people would appreciate, but being me, being proud of who I was, and not letting society dictate what my sexuality should or should not be was the important thing. If I take my breasts as an aspect of my sexuality, then dammit, I'm not going to let other people tell me what my breasts should or should not be. My sexuality/breasts are not something that need to be fixed. My inner labia are not something that need to be fixed. If there was a pill to cure my pansexuality, then I wouldn't take it. So why am I willing to undergo surgery to "fix" my breasts?

This is not to say that all women should make the same decision as me. Only an individual woman can make the decision for what is right for her. This is not to pass judgment on other people's decisions, and this is not to say that other women who get the surgery are thinking the same things as me, or making the same connections I am. I am merely saying that I would rather be a rebel, and be natural, and proud of my natural, imperfect body than have other people tell me what to be. The surgery is not what is best for me, telling other people to fuck off is what is best for me.

In love and lust,
Lilith