The Power of Pro-Choice (Part 2)

Welcome to the Power of Pro-Choice - The sequel. We've already spoken a bit about abortion and parenting, so now let's turn to Adoption, Birth Control, Education, and Consent. Will I make this post a trilogy? Maybe... if you want me to. 

Adoption

                                                                              

Adoption is one of those things that is often cited as an option for women, and yet how accessible it is, is something that is rarely talked about. 

For health and genetic reasons, I am considering not having biological children. I like the idea of adoption, and I would love to adopt in the future. When I told my mom this, she replied, "Are you sure you want to adopt?" and I said yes, probably locally, to which she replied, "All the children from CAS (Children's Aid Services) are from drunk and abusive mothers. Do you really want to get a kid with FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and it wasn't even your fault? Can't you just have biological children?"

There is a huge stigma that is associated with adopting local children. The comments from my mom really shocked me, and so I posted on facebook to see what other people thought about it. Even within my super liberal and feminist social group - some actually agreed. What the consensus boiled down to was this: if you want a healthy baby, try for an international adoption (which is pricey and according to some websites can cost between $25,000 to $50,000), and if you don't want to pay, you will have to "settle" for a child who is disabled. Wow.

So, as I sadly found out, there is not only a stigma against children who have disabilities as being less desirable and not good enough for well-off parents, but there is also a stigma that all children available in Canada through adoption are somehow "broken". Hidden in this are huge financial barriers for potential parents. Although there is no fee associated with adopting a child through CAS in Canada, private Canadian adoption can still cost $15,000-25,000 (see previous link). So with the bias against children with disabilities, and then the stereotype that all Canadian children available through public adoption have disabilities, no wonder most people choose international adoptions. The hefty price tag associated with international adoptions means that potential parents may not consider adoption an option.

As well, there is a certain stigma attached to women who give up their child for adoption. We just plain don't know what to do with them. When a woman is pregnant, everyone is trained to be giddy, give presents, ask to see ultrasound photos, and ask to touch her belly. Even perfect strangers now view the pregnant body of a woman as public. It is perfectly acceptable to ask a stranger when she is due, if she is having a boy or a girl, and if she has picked out a name yet. Women who are giving their children up for adoption are caught in an odd limbo where people expect them to be excited about being a parent, but they are not choosing parenthood. In fact, we are so uncomfortable with women (especially young women) that are thinking about giving their children up for adoption, that they are routinely told to spend a summer at an Aunt's place, go away from family and friends, or to try to hide her figure so we don't have to think about it. This is not for the woman's benefit, but for the benefit of those around her that are unsure of how to navigate the social rules of pregnant women seeking to put their children up for adoption.

Of course, no one ever mentions the emotional difficulty that a woman can go through after giving up her child for adoption. Motherhood is praised as a natural, healthy experience full of support, love, and the most rewarding experience a person can have. So what of women who actively choose not to embrace motherhood with open arms? Are they somehow a cold-hearted, callous bitch for not wanting their children? Are they broken for being able to give up such a cute and cuddly child?
  

Most people are comfortable with parents who wish to adopt, because we are seeing people embrace parenthood. However, when we see women reject this option, it makes us feel uncomfortable, unsure, and there is an instinct to distance ourselves from that person.

With all this stigma, is it any wonder that a woman might regret giving her child up for adoption? No matter how logical and sane her reasons are, there are parts of society that silently accuse her of being sick or inhuman. The sanctification of motherhood means that she will constantly be asking "what if?", and this curiosity can lead to doubt, and doubt to guilt for her actions. 

Even more sinister, what if she feels relief? What if she feels relief that it's over? Is she a monster for feeling better that a chapter is closed in her life and she can embrace a new one? These complex feelings can easily be framed as guilt and become toxic over time. As a society, we need to look at what we can do to help support birth mothers, and make this a valid option for women to choose.

This is also where I want to challenge those that say "I regret my abortion" and use it as an argument for the criminalization of abortion. I ask, since there are women out there that regret giving up their child for adoption, should adoption then be criminalized? Of course the answer is no, because the fetus is allowed to be carried to term. The objections and concerns are still not actually in the health or well-being of the mother, but rather in the birth of the child (again, once the child is born, it's on its own - especially if it is gay, non-white, or has a disability). 

Contraception and Condoms

This is where a huge part of my passion lies. One of the core tenets of being pro-choice is the idea that women (and men) have the right to control their own fertility, body, and sexuality. With the invention of female-centric birth control (the pill), women have been able to separate parenthood and sexuality. Women are able to independently control their fertility without relying on men to follow through (whether it was wearing a condom, or pulling out). This unprecedented control that emerged in the 60s meant that women could admit to something that had been true all along: women have sex for reasons other than getting pregnant!

We like orgasms! We like being intimate with our partners! We like to explore our bodies, give pleasure and receive it. We have fantasies, cravings, and appetites, and we want to satisfy them. Women are sexual beings capable of wanting sexual pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

Obviously, some people don't like this. A common theme in a lot of Western, Greek, and Roman writing, philosophy, and religious thought includes what is commonly referred to ask the Virgin/Whore dichotomy, or the Madonna complex (not Madonna the singer, Madonna as in Mary the virgin mother of Christ). Basically the idea is this: there are two groups of women: The good girls, and the bad girls. The chaste and the promiscuous. The pure and the dirty. I know which category I fall into!

Basically, if a woman is sexual, or admits to sexual pleasure, then she is dirty, undesirable, the worst parts of what it means to be female. She doesn't care about her body, she has no morality, enjoys getting abortions, whores herself out, and isn't worth the dirt under her fingernails. She is the seductress who tempts men who can't control themselves, the bearer of Original Sin, and she threatens the stability and sanctity of marriage. She's a societal atomic bomb, ready to blow apart social order with the bat of a heavily mascaraed eyelash. She is as much of a threat to social order as terrorists and communism (which is the same as socialism, fascism, and totalitarian (read: big) government dontcha know).


You can imagine the issues that I might have surrounding this.

Back to the heart of the matter: Although the number of people who condemn birth control in general is shrinking, there is still this idea that if women are "prepared" to have sex, that makes them a slut. If a girl is dating a guy, and she shows up with condoms, does that mean that he will think she is too sexually aggressive or forceful? Will it be a turn off that she was thinking about having sex, like she does it all the time? What if she brings condoms or goes on the pill, but then says no to sex? Is she a cock tease? If a male in a heterosexual relationship brings a condom, is that a sign of pressure on or expectations of the girl?


In youth, one of the number one issues when it comes to not using contraception is fear of how the other partner will react. Young people are especially sensitive to the social assumptions around condom use. What if there are two men, they get intimate, and one pulls out a condom, does this mean he has a lack of faith in the STI status of his partner? Is it a silent accusation that his partner is unclean and all the stigma related to STIs? If a girl is on the pill, and she asks her partner to wear a condom, is it because she wants a back-up method of birth control, or because she suspects that he has an STI?


If a girl wants to go on the pill and is still living with her parents, does she have the self-efficacy and agency to do this? Is it affordable for her? Is she able to get appointments with her doctor without her mom there (I recently talked to a 19 year old that was still accompanied by her mother)? What if her parents find the pills? Will she be subject to punishment for being "slutty" or praised for taking care of herself and acknowledging the consequences of sex (if she is indeed sexually active)?

I'm sorry to leave this section without going into the Vatican's stance on condom use in sub-Saharan Africa and how the pope claims condoms makes HIV infection rates worse, but I tried to write a section and it turned into a post of its own. Maybe I will touch on it in another post, but know that I am thinking many, many things on the subject, and to not discuss it is a conscious decision.


To sum it all up: The world has a long way to go before birth control and contraception become more socially acceptable and accessible.

Education

One issue of the proper implementation of contraception and STI prevention relates to education. In the US, there are still states that fund abstinence only education, which give false information regarding the effectiveness of condom use and birth control, and have actually managed to convince teens that contraception is so ineffective that they may as well not use it. Even the one recent study that shows that abstinence only education may delay sex has been met with great criticism.

An example of giving false information regarding effectiveness comes from failure rates for different forms of contraception such as birth control pills and condoms. There are actually two different standard rates of failure. One is the failure rate for "perfect use". This means using the product as instructed every single time. Let's face it though, pills are missed, condoms are not stored properly or not used every time, and shots can be taken late. This is where we get our second, and much higher failure rate from, the "typical use". This higher rate is not the fault of the product, and comes from human error. What I find interesting is that people say that abstinence is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. Well, sort of. That's "perfect use", but if they are going to quote "typical use" for other contraceptives, then they should also quote the "typical use" for abstinence which involves a whole lot of improper application of the method, especially since abstinence from vaginal intercourse only prevents pregnancy, there are still many ways to get STIs without participating in vaginal intercourse. This is just one example of the skew in our educational system that fails to provide teens and adults with accurate sexual health information.

 
Personally, I believe that people have a right to their sexuality and to express that sexuality. Now, not all expressions of sexuality are necessarily healthy. Many sexual activities do have some risk of an unwanted outcome, such as STIs, pregnancy, or even boundaries not being respected, which can result in sexual assault. It is important that we educate people using accurate information, and allow people to make informed decisions, as well as give them the tools and powers to enforce boundaries. I may not agree with the decisions that some people make, but hopefully they can look at the facts, make a choice, and own that choice and its consequences. 

I know, I'm an idealist, but I also believe that it's important for people to receive non-biased information. When people are manipulated and lied to, and then make decisions based on false information, they are no longer able to make true informed choices, and therefore not able to fully control their sexuality.

Similarly to my arguments regarding other aspects of being pro-choice, I believe it's important that people be fully educated about all the options and risks for each choice, as well as the supports that are out there. This empowers people to make the decision that is right for them, and feel that they own that decision and its consequences. This goes for many things regarding sexual health including abstinence, contraception, parenting, adoption, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, etc.

Consent

Finally, I want to briefly touch on consent. Because being pro-choice is about the belief that people have the right to bodily integrity, control over their sexuality and fertility, and making decisions for themselves, being pro-choice is inherently anti-rape and anti-sexual assault. The notion of not just consent, but fully informed consent is crucial. (On a side note, children are never able to consent to sexual activity with an adult. Never.)


When I say sexual assault, I have a very complex understanding of sexual assault. It is not just something that scary men do to strangers in the middle of the night at a park, but it is also something that happens on dates, between partners, and even includes incest. If we want to fight for women (and men) to be able to make choices and have control over their bodies, it is important to address the unfortunate reality that sexual assaults are very common. About half of all Canadian women have experienced sexual violence. 


Ending sexual violence against women needs several concurrent courses of action. We need to 1) Stop the culture of rape. If rape and sexual assault are so common in society, we need to figure out what feeds into the belief that sexual assault is okay/not recognizing certain activities as sexual assault and stop that. 2) Preventing sexual assault is not just the responsibility of women, but also of men. 3) Support people who have experienced violence by offering non-biased support, counseling, and safe housing. 4) End the victim-blaming culture that makes people fear breaking their silence. 5) Recognize that sexual assault affects more than the direct victim, but also family members, friends, and children of the victim. 6) Recognize the true cost of sexual assault: emotionally, physically, financially, and the cost of human life.

My Choice to be Pro-Choice

I know that I have only covered a few of the issues that I am concerned about when it comes to being pro-choice, and almost every sentence in here could warrant it's own blog dedicated just to it. My true purpose was to plant some seeds of interest and curiosity, encourage people to get informed, and also dispel some myths that being Pro-Choice is only about abortion rights or access to abortion. Being pro-choice is really about empowering people to make informed decisions about their bodies and their sexuality, while respecting the choices other people have made.

I wanted to end on a positive note though. Although we still have a long way to go, our society has definitely progressed over the past couple decades. Abortion has been legalized in Canada (although access to it is still an issue), contraception and condoms have become more affordable and easier to obtain, sexual violence support centres have been established, homosexuality has been decriminalized (although still stigmatized), interracial couples are more accepted now (it wasn't that long ago that was illegal too). Some schools have day care now, hopefully a trend that will continue. Women are pursuing post secondary education more than ever (even though women still only make 70 cents on the dollar compared to men, and the glass ceiling is still a reality). 

We have a long way to go, but we have also come a long way, and that is heartening and something to feel proud about. We shouldn't look at the ground we have gained and say "well, that's enough now", but understand that it is only the beginning.

What are you fighting for?

In love and lust,

Lilith