So, I have actually written about this before on leftos but I had an interesting conversation with my older brother today and wanted to share it.
For context, my older brother, let's call him Alex, is 32 and has never had much luck in dating. He's probably had two serious gfs in his lifetime, and he proposed to both of them, and they both dumped him. He's started going out with another girl "Jasmine". She's 10 years younger than him and has two children, although one of those children is living with his father. Jasmine is a sweetheart, and so is her daughter. He fell hard and fast, and she actually fell back, which excited me! He would be such a great dad, and he's so good with children, I thought this was going to be perfect.
Then he got dumped.
"I feel like a failure"
After being dumped after falling so hard, my brother felt like a failure and a loser. Understandable, don't we all feel like that sometimes? He felt a little lost, and maybe like what he had done was a waste of time. He invested so much time, energy, and emotion into her that when things didn't work out, he felt like he had nothing to show for all his effort.
This is where I start to get preachy.
What's the point of a relationship anyway?
I feel like religion and Disney has had a big impact on my life when it comes to how I used to view dating. I used to be just like my brother, and if a relationship ended, I felt like I would have been better off without that relationship, and I felt like I had taken a step away from my goal, which was marriage. After all, that's the point of dating - to get married.
I think we often romanticize the idea of marriage. In my church, we were told not to start dating someone unless we could see ourselves getting married to that person, because God has someone picked out especially for you that would make you happy, and would be your soul mate, and a failed relationship was like failing to understand what God's plan for you was. Not to mention, if you date someone, you might get tempted to kiss them or hold their hand or something, and anything you do with someone that is not your (future) spouse is cheating on the person God has chosen for you. So the whole point of dating is to determine if this is the person God has chosen for you, with an expectation that if the first person that you date is the person that God intended for you, then God will make sure your relationship will last, and you can live happily ever after.
I also blame Disney
To be fair, it's not just Disney, but there is a romanticization of getting married. Disney movies are based off of people falling in love, finding their "Prince Charming", soul mates fighting against the odds to be together. We are taught stories have a happy ending (and marriage is the ending, right?) This is not just from Disney, but is also from media, fairy tales, and the messages that are ingrained in us since kids, and to tell you the truth, part of it is capitalistic. We are sold a fairy tale. Don't believe me? I work in Hallmark where we sell wedding gifts, and many of them have a Cinderella, or Prince-and-Princess-in-a-Castle theme. Many wedding cards even say "Happily ever after". We are sold fantasies about the perfect wedding, the perfect dress, and the perfect reception. We are sold the idea that weddings are so special and magical that everyone needs to have one (and spend lots of money on it - because you spend money on the person you love). When someone announces that they are engaged, everyone is supposed to get all giddy and happy for them, and then there are questions about "Can I see your ring?" "Who are your bridesmaids?" "When is the wedding?" "Do you know what colours you're going to do?" Don't get me started on the parents either.
Marriage is romanticized and seen as the final result of a successful relationship. You can't get anymore committed than marriage! You have reached the relationship zenith!
Wait a minute....
Obviously I don't believe this anymore. I think that we learn important things from relationships, even ones that end. We find out what we like (and don't like), how to compromise, to fight in a healthy and respectful way, what we are attracted to, how to be romantic, to not be so nervous that we end up throwing up on our date, to make small talk, how quickly are we supposed to fall in love, how to not abandon our friends even if we are in love with someone, and how to problem solve. We learn how to be with other people for more than 48 hours straight without wanting to rip their head off. We learn how to control our sexual impulses, and even how to embrace them. We learn how to be in a relationship, and that is a lifelong learning process.
Not only that but we might get to experience things that we wouldn't have otherwise experienced: seen new movies, went to different cities, tried new foods, seen new TV shows, met new people, learned new languages (or at least words in that language), learned new things about science, history, art, sports, fashion, or politics that we would never have been exposed to on our own. You can gain new passions, learn new tricks, and get to see the world through someone else's eyes in a way that you might not have done if it wasn't a sexually charged relationship.
Not to mention, there is a special kind of companionship that you get from a partner that might get you through tough times. You might also go through tough times that you wouldn't if you were single, and you learn and grow from that.
Maybe ending a relationship is success?
With the romanticizing of marriage and demonizing of divorce, sometimes we forget that leaving someone might be a success in your books. Abused woman often go back to their abusers seven or eight times before they finally leave (or get killed). Maybe in that case it's a success for a person to finally leave an abusive relationship.
I also use abuse in a very broad way. I know I had a two year relationship with someone (from 15-17 years old) and things had been getting bad near the end. I finally got fed up and ended it, and didn't realize how lucky I was to do that till I was much older. I didn't recognize the warning signs and didn't realize just how close I was to having some very bad things happen to me. Although people thought that I was "giving up", "not working it out" or "bailing when things got tough", through the wonders of hindsight, I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am so proud of myself - for making a relationship "fail".
The point is, that most relationships end in other ways besides your partner dying. Does that mean that most relationships shouldn't happen? Does that mean that most people are failures at relationships? If I was in a relationship that was heading down a bad road, does that mean that the whole relationship was a bad thing? Does that mean that I should have never dated him? How should we judge what makes a relationship a "success" or a "failure"?
How we should conceptualize the importance of relationships
Rating a relationship as a "success" or "failure" doesn't do us much good. It doesn't tell us what elements of a relationship are "successful" or what causes "failure". It doesn't acknowledge what we learned, or what benefits (or dangers) a relationship has. It doesn't acknowledge the impact that a relationship has on you, or what you can take from one past relationship into a present one.
In fact, the only positive thing that the success/failure conceptulization does for you is make you feel good for being in a relationship that lasts. However, even then, it puts the emphasis on a relationship lasting rather than the quality of a relationship, having to balance your needs with someone else's, how mature you are, or whether the relationship is a positive influence in your life or not.
I would argue that it would be better to take a more humanistic approach, and instead of seeing the end goal of life/relationships as marriage, we should see the goal of life to become a fully actualized person. Translated: you want to become a mature, moral person who has control over your life, and will leave a positive impact on the world. So instead of asking "Did this relationship work out?" ask yourself, "How did this relationship make me a better person?" Another concept is put eloquently by Dan Savage as "The Campsite Rule", essentially, when your relationship ends, you ask yourself if this person is in the same condition, or better, than when you first met them?
If we look at relationships through this lens, then we can see how teen dating (when you don't have a very strong/realistic expectation of getting married) is beneficial, how leaving a relationship may be good, either before or after things get very bad, and how you can still be thankful and have positive feelings for a relationship that ended very badly.
Now, I'm an unrepentant optimist, so I believe that there is something positive to be gained from every relationship, even if it is just "Wow, I'll never date someone like that again!" I think it's easier for people to gain closure, feel better about themselves (and their ex-partners), and engage in healthy coping behaviours.
And finally, just to let you know, it looks like Alex and Jasmine are going to get back together. I'm happy for them.
And finally, just to let you know, it looks like Alex and Jasmine are going to get back together. I'm happy for them.
In love and lust,
Lilith
*edited
*edited
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